Tuesday, March 3, 2009

tabula rasa

all day long I've been thinking about what I want to write here, and I keep coming up with a big tabula rasa.
that's a blank slate, in case you're not up on your latin.
I couldn't tell you how many times I've sat here, believing I have nothing to say. sometimes I dredge little scraps of thoughts up from the deep recesses of my brain, and on occasion, the scraps blossom into complete mini essays. other times they remain as scraps, barely worth typing out and relaying to you.
sometimes my thoughts are bursting from my cerebral seams and I can't wait to throw them out on this virtual paper, arrange them into some semblance of order, and share them with you all.
sometimes I sit here and literally beg the universe for guidance.
from time to time, guidance appears to jump into my fingers, and I let them guide me.
once in a while I pull genuine inspiration from seemingly nowhere, and I amaze myself.

not tonight.

tonight I am begging my children for computer time, listening to them play piano (both what they are supposed to practice and a greater amount of what they just want to play) and music on the computer and on their ipods, and playing my usual "peacekeeper" role as one after the other gets on the third one's nerves.
I could blame my lack of inspiring subject matter on all the ruckus around here and the constant interruptions (mom, where's my lunchbox? mom, I need to get back on the computer, mom, did you see what I made in math class today, mom, let me show you my letter I had to write for english, mom can I have a cookie, who ate all the brownies?? . . . ). but the reality is that even in the calm silence of my day here today, I was thought-less and inspiration-free.

a big component of maturity is being able to accept what is.
and tonight, I am accepting that it is okay for my mind to be a tabula rasa.

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