I resist breathing.
breathing in a pattern, that is: breathing differently than I naturally and involuntarily do.
thus yoga and meditation practices challenge me.
the other night I was participating in a "guided meditation," and it began with instructions regarding our breaths. argh.
in yoga the other morning the instructor --- as always --- repeats and repeats the fact that we if we lose our breathing pattern, we may as well stop the physical activity: it's all about the breath. argh.
why in the world would this be so hard for me? what could possibly be wrong with breathing differently/in a specific pattern/with certain movements? is it just my stubborn nature popping up again?
how can it be such a challenge?
and why do I resist it?
I'm trying to understand my breath, my lungs, my heartrate, and how the process truly works. because I seem to have a little issue.
when I've taken the VO2 sub-max tests I've taken, I reach a semi-panic state. when I'm working hard and breathing hard and my heartrate gets high --- especially for the first time in the day --- I can feel a sense of panic start to envelop me. so I apply the mental tricks to calm myself down, but it's not always easy. the panic seems to be coming from my fear that I cannot pull in enough air, that I won't be able to breathe.
[sometimes during x-rays when they tell you not to breathe while they capture the image, I barely make it, and what could that possibly be, 15 seconds??]
I have an issue with breathing.
whether it be that I'm breathing more intensely than I want to, or that I'm doing it in a different way than I normally do, I seem to have a problem.
I suppose I now get to add this to my list of "things for susan to work on this year."
and maybe a year from now I will have mentally conquered my resistance to and fear of breathing in uncomfortable ways.
I've already begun, haven't I, by acknowledging I have an issue:
my name is susan, and I am a problem-breather.