Thursday, February 5, 2009

mysteries, part II

I spoke with liz yesterday.
spoke may not be the right word, as it leads one to think that a conversation was verbalized, and only a few words truly were spoken, and only by me.
nonetheless, a conversation took place.

I had been thinking about a friend of liz's, which led me to think of liz, and I decided it was time for a chat.
so I initiated the chat.
while I was cycling up the canyon.
I'm not much for conversation while I'm huffing and puffing my way up a hill, so I basically just asked her what she could share with me. she responded immediately, saying
be yellow.

yep, be yellow.

now, do I know what this means? not exactly. it wasn't like "be a yellow," as in those color-personality tests, where you are told you are either a yellow, a blue, a red, or a white, or a something.
it wasn't that at all.
it was just, be yellow.
she repeated it, as well.

it could have meant be bright, sunny, cheerful, positive, uplifting . . . all of the possibilities that come with the color yellow.
or it could have meant to be true to whoever I am, the inner, cheerful place in me.
or perhaps it's in secret Liz-code, and has some meaning I don't know at all.
I am choosing the first option, with a little bit of the last one thrown in as well.
I believe those who are up there guiding us like to have a little fun with us as they do so.

then I asked her about all of the people she left behind here, all of us who knew her in some small or great way. I asked how she felt about their struggles to go on without her, and what could make it better for them.
she gave me an answer by metaphor.
she told me that it was like someone who had been momentarily blinded by a brilliant flash of light: for a brief time there is total disorientation, a complete loss, an ungrounding. the person cannot see, and will struggle to come to grips with a world they no longer have a hold on. they may become dizzy, they may lose their footing, they may have a moment of panic.
but gradually their eyes adjust, and shapes begin to reform into familiar objects. before long, vision has been restored, and the person can once again navigate their way in the world.
this is what it's like for those who I left behind, she let me know.
and they are relearning to see, and discovering again the depth and beauty of their world, with or without me in it.

she smiles with her whole heart, and although she understands the pain of those who love her, she knows that all is well and will continue to move toward a beautiful equilibrium.

love, love deeply, let losses come as they will, and forever
be yellow.