today is the day of the infamous Snowbird Hill Climb..... a ten-mile race that ends at Snowbird. I am not a participant! in fact, I slept in this morning, and at this moment have no plans to get on my bike at all..... a rare day in susan's cycling-season life. it is chilly and breezy and just a delightful morning to sip my coffee and relax into just being. soon I will start doing, but for now I'm incredibly happy to just be.
I have a handful of friends who raced this morning, but I have no desire to compete in these events. and these friends aren't really riding to compete, most of them are just concerned with their own times. but the whole atmosphere is competitive, and for some reason the thought of participating makes my skin crawl. I am trying to understand this about myself, and I can't quite get to the bottom of it.
the Porcupine Hill Climb was a month ago. this is a race from the mouth of big cottonwood up to Brighton, at the top. again, many of my cycling friends rode this race, and enjoyed it. I can ride up this canyon, and I time myself each time. I know what a good time is for me, and I sometimes press myself a little to work harder and knock off a minute or two. and sometimes I pass other people going up, and frequently people pass me. I've looked at the race results, and I see that most everyone gets to the top in less time than I take. and all of this is okay, so why do I not want to do it?
I think it comes down to two things. I don't like being passed by females; and I can only work so hard ~ if I start trying to keep up with everyone else I fear I'll send my heart into severe and permanent tachycardia. yes, I am kidding. a little.
everyone that passes me while I'm riding sends my ego a little message: "you have room to improve, don't you?" it doesn't matter how young or talented or well-trained they are, my ego hears this repetitive message. my ego can take it a tad better if the cyclist is male and in great shape, but less well if the cyclist is female. even if the female is twenty years younger than me and a triathlete. how ridiculous is this? but it is my current truth, and so I think of these races, where fifty, a hundred, two hundred people will pass me and I just think my poor little ego will faint. but before it does, it will tell my body to "work harder, damnit!" and then my heart will go into overload . . .
this is why I don't register for these rides.
silly, isn't it?
some day, I will be able to control my little ego. I am working on it.