my oldest son has cerebral palsy. he is seventeen, and has always lived with me. until last january, when he moved to a place where they care for him with great patience, strength and love. he is quite small for his age, which helps keep him easier to care for, and he loves nothing better than to be snuggled with. which is very cool: not many moms get to cuddle with their 17-year-old sons.
he comes to visit me about once a week: I have him ride the para-transit bus, which picks him up from the center and brings him to my door. he spends the day at home with me, then returns to his other home in the late afternoon.
yesterday he hung out with me here. and what came to me is a vision of what I wish to do with him: I want to have him with me on my bike as I go swooping down hills, the air rushing against us, the thrill of the downhill speed bringing a shocking pleasure to us both.
I have never before thought of having him with me for such an experience, and the idea just took over. how can I do this? can I do this? can I hold him and make him feel safe and secure as we speed down the hill? is this even possible on a bike?
the logical answer is no, it's not. but I'm not going to settle for that. I am going to think about this, and ~ as I do for most of my creative ideas ~ NOT think about this for a while, until I come up with some kind of idea.
I want to give my son this experience, I want to share this with him.
I was him to have that sensation of thrilling freedom and weightlessness, while being held so closely and safely that there is no fear, no discomfort, no wish to be doing something else.
I recognize that this is my desire, not his. but sometimes love is all about wanting the other person to have, to know, to live the experiences that you yourself love.