Tuesday, August 31, 2010

the eventuality of change

I struggle with days like today.
I am not riding today, and part of me is chomping to get out and ride, and the rest of me is soaring with joy that I don't have to go ride. chomp, soar, chomp: I think I have dissociative identity disorder and am in need of medication. who am I?
I'd like to just be a normal person, one who rides some days and doesn't ride on other days. maybe even one who cross trains, going for a run on non-riding days, or something healthy and energetic like that.
but no, I am me. me who wants to ride and is so terribly happy not to ride.
I'm not riding today because I'm tired. I am in my taper phase, and I have decided to treat that as a time not to push. yesterday I wore myself out ~ not with exercise, just with being a human doing ~ and since I'd ridden four days in a row I decided it would be okay to take today off.
on days like today I often think, I'll never ride again. I'm tired, I'm tired of riding, I could become a different person (i.e. a normal person) and give it all up.
however, this is unlikely to happen. no matter how tired I am, it eventually changes. in fact, no matter how joyous I am while on my bike, it eventually changes.
everything changes.
which is what keeps us interested in life.
but sometimes it's difficult to remember that things will change. perhaps I won't always feel like I have two different people living in my head, as I do today. in fact, many days that I can recall I appear to be (and even feel to be) a single, solitary, cohesive individual. this is thus proof that I am in a temporary state and things will change.

today I have a thousand things to do. or perhaps it just feels that way. I am behind in this and that and want to be further along in these things and those, and am desperately trying to increase my productivity in everything. and just like my directionally-challenged biking desires, I have directionally-challenged life desires: I want to write a thousand words on my book project today, I want to work diligently to get ahead on work production, and then . . . I want to take a nap.

and this is what I know to be true: just as everything will change, everything will work itself out. I will ship the orders that need to be shipped, I will accomplish the tasks that must be accomplished. I will work as much as I can, and rest when I need. I will get daughter one to the doctor and uniform store, and shop for my son's school supplies and get daughter two somehow home from school. I may even make it to the lacrosse store to get my son's stick fixed. I will write as much as will be written today, and tomorrow, yes, tomorrow,
I will ride my bike.
because today is today, and tomorrow is an entirely new day, and everything, as always, will work itself out.
even though I have dissociative identity disorder and need medication.

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