I've had time to reflect upon yesterday's post, and now have more insight into myself. fortunate you, to be availed of such . . .
I retain my right to call myself stubborn. nothing there has really changed.
however, what kept poking at me was my discussion about why I don't work harder to improve bits and pieces of how I operate in this world.
what I've been gently shown is that it's a matter of commitment. perhaps my fear of commitment. (I can feel a few of you jumping up and shouting, "yes!," pumping your little furry fists in the air.)
it's possible that I have a rather odd little fear of commitment. I'm not sure what the ordinary person's fear of commitment is all about (not being very ordinary at all), but this is what mine is about: when I commit, it's intense and deep. I don't do it half-heartedly, or in just a small way.
this should be obvious to everyone who knows me.
when I started biking, I started biking 6 days a week. when I took the Power Camp course I won the Straight A Student award for never missing a day. within my first year of road biking I completed a 206-mile ride . . . does this show a wishy-washy commitment?
friends from class 2 years ago still know they'll find me during bad weather on a particular bike in the spin room, and that I'll be outside on my bike if the weather complies.
if I say I am committed to something, I follow through.
thus my fear: if I say yes, I am in.
if I say possibly or maybe, I have wiggle room.
and sometimes a gal just needs wiggle room.
there came a time in my marriage when things were extremely difficult, and bob and I were each seeing our own counselors. bob's agreed to meet with the 2 of us together, and we had a single, disastrous session. at one point the therapist asked me if I was committed to the marriage, and the only answer I could supply was I'm not sure.
I know that was the last thing in the world bob wanted to hear, but I couldn't say yes, because that meant I would have to do and give everything in my power to make it right again. and deep in my core I knew that wasn't the best solution. time has proven the dissolution of our marriage to be the best thing for both of us, but at the moment when I had to utter those 3 words, I was floundering. yet I could give no answer other than the one I did.
to me, commitment is deep and full. it's intense and strong and full of promise. it rules my behavior.
thus, I limit what it is I fully commit to. because I don't want to fail, to do it halfway.
yes, permission is granted to change one's mind, or to outgrow an experience. but I am one who jumps only after great consideration, whether it be into or out of.
until yesterday I would never have agreed that I had a fear of commitment.
but today, I understand that in my own quirky way, I do.