Friday, November 14, 2008

the weather, and swear words

lately I've written about yes, no, and maybe, so I think all that's left is the weather.

well, I wrote that sentence about 5 hours ago, and since that time I have found other things to write about besides the weather, though said weather IS incredibly gorgeous and feels much warmer than the 44 degrees they say it is.

first of all, I'm typing in the uncomfortable position of having my right leg propped on a chair so that the bag of frozen peas on my knee won't slip and fall off. this tweaks my body, and my right shoulder is letting me know it's not happy about the situation. so this entry may be brief.

do you ever have moments where you think to yourself, is this truly my life? I had one of those just a short while ago (before I bashed my knee into the corner of my cast iron coffee table), and this is what led up to it:

my son was scheduled to come hang out with me today. on such days the Flextrans bus picks him up at his care center then delivers him to me, he hangs out with me, then another bus comes to pick him up and return him to the care center later in the day. when we do this, he arrives anywhere between 9:45 and 11:30, and I always keep my eyes on the windows and my ears alert for bus sounds until he arrives.
today, while I waited for the bus, I thought I would work outside on the leaf project mother nature has given me. after about 45 minutes of that I was dirty and messy and tired of the whole thing, but jake hadn't yet arrived.
and then I thought of something else that has been begging for my attention, something propped against the armoire in my family room . . . something that would be best worked on outside . . .
you got it. my bike came out to be pampered in the bright sunshine. I got my bowl of soapy water, my degreaser, a couple rags, and I set to work. in fact, I got the entire thing cleaned and degreased, and still no jake. that meant it was tire time. uh-oh. we moved inside for this.
I can't go through the whole thing ~ you don't want to suffer through it ~ just know that after half an hour and one broken tire lever, I finally have one new tire on my bike.
one down, one to go.
and then jake came.

it's really been a good morning. I did a little work, I got to sit and read for a brief time, I raked leaves, I cleaned my bike. I am so grateful to be able to do these things, truly.
but when the bus driver was unhooking jake's wheelchair from the restraints and I waited by the lift, I had my moment. my I can't believe this is my life moment. I can't believe my son lives in a care facility, I can't believe he's almost 18 years old, I can't believe everything we've experienced in those 18 years together.
I can't think about it too much, because it overwhelms me. it literally blows me away and I become untethered. this makes it difficult to continue my daily life, so I have to place it back in its box and put in on the shelf with all of those pictures and memories.
therefore my moment was just a moment, and then I kissed jake hello and wheeled him into the house.

and in the process of getting him settled on the family room couch, I bashed my knee into the corner of the coffee table. the good thing is that this allowed me an opportunity to release all of my tire-changing frustrations when I roared in pain and repeated a significant swear word over and over and over.
this is when I'm grateful that jake doesn't understand those words.

my knee is now feeling a little better, and it didn't bleed much at all so I think I'm going to be okay.
I only have one tire left to change, and I'm thinking that I might even get to it this afternoon, possibly.
and then there's the weather: it's an absolutely gorgeous, perfect, gift of a fall day. no if's, and's, but's, maybe', or no's. just a great big, yes, it is.

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