Sunday, February 14, 2010


you know my middle name could easily be commitment, and I'm pretty sure you know how I feel when I blow it.
so I am dissatisfied with myself today.
because yesterday was an odd day and ~ although early in the day I was aware that there was a task to be performed ~ I neglected to write and post anything here.
at one point, before the rain began coming down relentlessly, I thought that I would be riding outside and would write about that.
then a bit later, when I decided to go snowshoeing instead, I thought that I would write about that.
but what came to pass is that I returned from showshoeing in the snowy, vigorating cold, and forgot completely about my commitment.

as I sat to write this afternoon a fleeting thought passed through my mind: I could put yesterday's date on today's post and hope that no one realized.
that thought sat with me for about half a second before my sense of authenticity and integrity grew jagged and arched its back and threw that idea out of my reality.
so here I am, once again admitting that I am a fallible human.
I have beautiful intentions, and work to be the very best me that I can be.
but I slip up sometimes, and I have weaknesses. I am foilable and full of foibles. although I strive to be connected more with my spiritual, divine side, where I can step outside of my human self and have empathy and understanding of this weaker being, the truth is that I must nevertheless live and breathe within this flawed human person who I am.

now we know that I eat too much cake and have a terribly unhealthy sweet tooth issue, but I've spent a great deal of energy working through my other shortcomings. one of my greatest remaining struggles is to learn to live my authenticity while balancing my own needs with those of others. how to be in control of getting what I need for myself without causing hurt or harm to others. how to not give away my joys in an effort to give others what I think they might need.
I believe, perhaps, that the process of mothering is what causes so many of us females to find ourselves dealing with what I'm describing. we spend so many years putting our children's needs out in front, that we too easily lose touch with what our own needs might be. and some of us forget that what nature craves is balance, and healthy relationships do the same.

perhaps yesterday I needed a day off from creating a posting here.
perhaps I didn't know how to recognize that ahead of time.
and possibly my true and wise inner self made the decision for me, unbeknownst to my outer, oblivious self who instead lazed and read and relaxed in oblivion.

socrates famously stated that the unexamined life is not worth living:
I suppose I will never know.

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