halfway here

that's me, halfway here. and it's not always the same half that is present.
sometimes---usually---it's the physical body, but once in a while it's the emotional, feeling part and my body disappears to become just a part of the scenery.
I feel as though I sleep-walked through my day today. I could make a list of everything I've done, yet I have little memory of actually doing any of it. I've been in a phase of telling myself not to think, don't think, don't think, and this has put me in a place of rote behavior.
my car knows the way to the jcc for power camp class.
my body knows how to fix meals for the kids and pack orders to ship.
my mind knows how to function in safe mode, where I seem to be participating in an interaction but I am not really, at all.
I'm not sure who produces the words, the smiles, the responses throughout the day, but I'm quite positive that it's
not
really
fully
me.
it's the half of me that will hold down the fort until I somehow cleave myself back together.
which I, eventually, will do.