it's lotoja weekend.
in less than two hours I'll hop in the car and head off to logan, where we'll spend the night so as to be ready for the big lotoja start line early in the morning......
where I will wave my friends goodbye, hop back in the car, and be their support for the day.
this will be a new experience.
I've been working on myself, trying to accept my feelings of sadness, disappointment, and loss over not being able to ride, while trying to induce feelings of enthusiasm to experience the other side of the race.
it's semi-working, and I haven't cried yet. I'm hoping that when I get to logan, when I see all my friends and acquaintances and am amidst all the hoopla, I will buck up and just be grateful I'm walking and not in a wheelchair or something even worse.
it could be worse.
john has supported me during this race for three years, and he has always talked about enjoying the people, the enthusiasm, and the energy of the day: how great it is to see riders tackling and accomplishing this big goal, and how the other people doing support are such good sports about everything. I've said before that I think it's probably harder to do support than to ride: we cyclists are in a hurry and often grumpy or stressed or just plain unhappy, and when it's all over, we're the ones who get the reward and those who supported us have to get by with just our "thank you's", when we remember to utter them. it's a darn long day, either way.
so it's my turn to play support girl. I think it's better than my just staying home, but I hope it doesn't wrench my heart too terribly. my goal is to really focus on all the cyclists to see how they come to the feed zones, what they say and do, and what they're like when they leave: this is something I don't generally get to do. perhaps I will learn a thing or two.
it's an interesting experience to be injured and have to sit on the sidelines. it's brought up many thoughts and feelings for me, and has plunked me in a strange place. I miss cycling for the pure physical aspects of it, and I miss it for the gifts of being in nature and spaces of solitude that it gives me. I am different these days, and the reasons are intermingled and complex: the loss of what I mentioned above, the discomfort of broken and sliced parts of me still healing, and the mental work of trying to process everything I'm experiencing.
plus it would be really nice to sleep through a night again.
anyway, I'm off to logan.
I hope to see hundreds of grinning cyclists and happy supporters (at least at the beginning), and hope to see the same at the end of the day.
I'm sending out good vibes and energy for a terrific day for all . . .