yes, I'm back.
yes, I missed my bike.
yes, it's taken me a while to wrap my mind around all that is life.
and no, I'm not quite done with that.
but observer of tradition that I am, I determined I'd better post something here today, or forever hang my head in shame for not getting my act back together.
I don't have my act back together yet.
years ago I had a teacher who believed that there was no such thing as trying. you either do, or you don't. you don't try to do something, for in the very act of trying you are doing something, which means you've left the place of "try" and moved into the place of "do."
I mention this because I made a mental attempt last week to post something here. I told myself I tried. but I really didn't at all. I put a half-hearted attempt into three sentences in draft form, and then walked away. not only did I not do, my efforts barely qualified as trying.
so this is what's going on:
three and a half days after returning home from nepal, I had to do a time trial at power camp. twenty minutes at VT, zone 5, that "ow" place.
and it went extremely well.
I attended six days of power camp that first week back, caught up on all the work I had to do, shopped for christmas, baked and wrapped and vacuumed and delivered presents and shuttled kids to and from activities. I slept fairly well, I ate everything in sight, and it was clear that my physical body had returned.
the mental/emotional part of me must have gotten stuck somewhere over the atlantic ocean, because it's not quite back with me yet. I think it fell out of the plane and started swimming, and has maybe only now reached north carolina. then it will probably rent a bicycle and start pedaling this direction.
it might be here by the middle of january, if it works really hard.
I feel it every once in a while, I'm pretty sure it's out there somewhere. I'm almost certain it's heading home.
but it's not here yet.
I'm operating from some place that knows how to function, to perform, that place we call rote.
it knows how to do everything but be fully there.
I miss me!
I'm hoping I make it back to myself soon, because it's painfully obvious that I'm not all here.
so that's my story. it's terribly difficult to write and post here when the important parts of me are not here but are instead involved in some wacky kind of triathlon, trying to get back home to this now sugar-and-carbohydrate inflated body. (I'm hoping when all parts of me reunite the need for sugar will dissipate.)
I plan to ride my bike tomorrow. the forecast is for a sunny day with a high around 45. maybe if I pedal fast enough, and far enough, I'll be able to find part of myself somewhere out there.
and that will be my new year's goal: to find the rest of myself, somewhere out there.