nowhere but there

it happened again today: I was doing my jogging thing and I became thoroughly, deeply, positively engrossed in the very moment I was living.

nothing past, nothing forward, nothing but the clear air and the movement of my legs, my feet connecting with the concrete beneath.

no worries about what happened or what's yet to come, what hasn't happened or what might.

this jogging thing is even better than cycling for being in the moment, at least for me at this stage in the game. ( this most likely occurs because my "jogging" takes away all my oxygen so quickly, and I have to stay focused to keep from following through on my desire to quit. )

regardless, I'm thrilled to have found a new way to be exactly where I am.

I still watch the time, I'm still glad when it's over, but while it's happening, I thoroughly enjoy that place of being nowhere but where I am, nowhere but where I'm apparently supposed to be.

in motion

something mysterious happens when you're outdoors engaged in exercise.

it doesn't usually happen within the first five minutes, and not even within the first ten or so. it happens a little further into it, when you "hit your stride" or otherwise start clicking along, and you suddenly realize that you are engaged, engrossed, at one with the activity.

and then this mysterious process kicks in, this process that removes your concerns, your worries, your frustrations, your desire to control uncontrollable outcomes. it picks them off, one by one, and drops them along the way, lightening your very being.

it's possible that this mysterious process involves the shortage of oxygen available to fuel your thinking/worrying/complaining brain, but I like to think it's a bit deeper than that. I like to think that it's simply--and significantly--your true self that is allowed to come forward when you're removed from the cocoon of work/family/home/have-to's and you are focused only upon the very moment you are living. and I believe this happens easiest and best when you're exercising outdoors, in the real and natural world.

I was wogging today (I'm up to 1.5 miles without stopping: only 24.7 more and I'm ready for a marathon!) when I realized I was so caught up in the clear, cold air, the melting snow dripping from trees, the blue sky peeking through the cloud pillows, and the beauty of the snow-covered mountains in the distance that I couldn't even bring a worry to the forefront of my mind. a concern danced through but it couldn't take hold: my mind refused to let it. another tried, then another, and they all were forced to concede defeat because I was too engrossed in the physical activity in which I was engaged. there was not a speck of room for all that other superfluous crud that always tries to hold me hostage.

and this is why I love cycling, and what I'm learning to love about my almost-running. these both take me away from everything that tries to pin me down, stress me, convince me I am wrong or inferior or neglectful. those little negativities just can't cling to me when I'm in motion.

whether it's 5 mph cycling up a canyon, 40 mph flying down a hill, or 6 mph (my top speed!) jogging around the block, it's movement that repels concerns and grief. it's mental health work.

it's a good thing.

wogging

a few days back I told you about my attempts to run. I smile as I type that, because it's really not running at all. it's barely even jogging.

however, I am proud to say that I have passed a hurdle with the whole thing. (I know I use this word a lot, but I cannot find a better one to describe what I'm thinking of.) there is hope for me yet . . .

my brother and his family live in a great part of fort worth close to the TCU campus. the streets roll just a bit, and have great stretches of flat. there are trees absolutely everywhere, trees that birds hide in and chatter at each other. the lawns are expansive and lots are huge, and there is also a great trail to run/walk/jog/bike on that stretches for miles and connects parks. so I had a perfect opportunity to work on my I Wanna Be A Runner goal.

the screaming quads didn't stop: they kept yelling at me throughout the long weekend. but I persevered, and on saturday

I RAN AN ENTIRE MILE WITHOUT STOPPING!!!

okay, for those of you who run, I know this is Not A Big Deal. but for me, who probably hasn't done this since college, IT IS A BIG DEAL!

again, it's more mental than anything.

now I can hold it in my mind that I CAN do this, I am able and capable. my knees survived it, my back survived it, all of me came out of it whole.

as I came close to the mile-marker, I raised my arms in a Rocky salute and cheered myself: it was great. no one was around, and no one cared except me, but I cared a great deal and that was exactly enough.

today, back home, I decided to try to repeat myself. could I do it? I wanted to do it soon enough again so that I don't have to go through this excruciating muscle thing again, and so this afternoon I set out to repeat my milestone.

and I did it; I even went a little past a mile.

can you hear the Rocky theme music playing in the background?

as I said, what matters most is that now I know I can do this. so I will do it again, and I'm sure I'll want to keep extending the length of my jog, and before long I'll probably be tracking how many miles I run, just like I do with biking.

scary, isn't it?

but for now, I am just glad that I pushed and overcame the part of me that said I can't do this.

we all have one, and sometimes they're darn loud. but I'm learning to talk back to it.

john says next thing you know I'll be in a swimming pool, then signing up for my first triathlon . . . and I say---and you have this here on the record---if that ever, ever happens, you have the right to have me certified and thrown in the loony bin.

comments from the quads

my legs are begging me, clamoring, shrieking, please get us back on a bike! please, please.....
it's not because they're bored.
I'm currently in fort worth, texas, on a vacation with my kids, and I did not bring my bike. I believe it's been two years since I've been on any kind of a vacation without my bike. that one was only for two days, but this one is four days long. four days in a row, off my bike? eek.
I came into this thinking it will be good for me. stretch my comfort zone, expand my horizon, that kind of thing. push me into doing something different.
so I brought my tennies and some jogging/walking clothing, and yesterday I went out for my wog. or my jalk.
the weather here is gorgeous, absolutely perfect for being outdoors. the highs are around eighty degrees, with overnight lows in the upper fifties. there's a gentle breeze, and the skies are cloudless blue blue blue.
and no matter how fit and in shape I might be, there is obviously a huge difference in muscle usage between riding a bike and jogging, for my legs are talking to me every time I move the tiniest bit. I took the time to stretch four different times yesterday afternoon/evening, and then again before I went out today. I stretched for almost ten minutes when I finished my miles this morning.
and my legs are still begging, screaming, pleading with me to let them just spin a darn bike around instead of this ridiculous pavement pounding action I've forced them to do. please, susan, a bike!
nope. I am committed to my horizon-expanding plan, and will hit the road sans machinery again tomorrow. and possibly the next day. I still harbor this secret desire to be a runner, you know, and there is this little part of me that sees this enforced-bike-free time as an opportunity to step a bit closer to that goal. I don't want to give up cycling, but it would be nice to have the ability to run, as well.
so, I'll let those muscles keep complaining, and I'll tough it out because I have a self-improvement goal here. whether I'm getting closer to becoming a runner, or simply pushing a boundary, it's all movement in a good direction.
ow. time to hobble over and get a glass of water. ow.
get us back on a bike . . .